Rags

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Rags last won the day on 17 May

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About Rags

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  • Birthday 01/01/01

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  1. Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what: Metal Wood Stone Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.' The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth. THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the Princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.' The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was in the Prince's pants M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What on earth were you thinking? I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!
  2. Don't tell her if you're in the same room... Rags
  3. Nice work Rick and an engaging project I like the first 3; they depict the isolationism of the project aim (the asymmetry works well) When I'm traveling here and there I like to get sunrises and that puts me on the streets before the city gets traction I usually just run into garbage men (except Vegas and some hookers) Good work well converted Rags
  4. ♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?: ♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. ♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. ♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? ♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. ♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body. ♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? ♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that. ♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night. ♦ Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye. ♦ You're not fat, you're just.. easier to see. ♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. ♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?” ♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “ Sag Harbor ” ♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me. ♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then. ♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks! ♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something. ♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. ♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos. ♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch! ♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
  5. In the 50's and 60's a section in New York state called the Catskill mountains used to have a few hotels that used to host Yiddish comedians. No swearing but lots of good one liners with self deprecating humor * I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. * I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! * What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!" * Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. * My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried. * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea . * She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. * The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months. * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!" * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." * Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence! A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody." Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off. All in good fun Rags
  6. Alan I think these were shot too early, they lack pop I like the subject & framing in #1 Rags
  7. So... in the US, Some of the rural population are called rednecks (considered a derogatory term by urban dwellers) Some of these should translate... You know you're a redneck when... 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12.. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
  8. A hotel guest called the front desk, and the clerk answered, "May I help you?" The guest said, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to the room right away. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window." The desk clerk said, "I'm sorry, Sir, but that's really a personal problem." The guest replied, "Listen, Buddy, the window won't open, and that's a maintenance problem."
  9. In California it's easier to move the building than the tree... Rags
  10. Well you opened the door on Memory Lane to something I haven't thought of in a long... In 1973 my bride & I grew tired of New York City and decided to go to Australia (Melbourne) after unsuccessfully trying to get a work permit anywhere in Europe. I started the paperwork in NYC and was going to finish it in California while we did some "touristing" (that was the plan) Took the car cross country and we stopped in San Francisco, fell in love with it and stayed... Never did make it to Australia... I'll repeat what you said, "Sorry about my memory lane diatribe!" Rags
  11. Store bought bottles of milk used to have a deposit paid by the store upon return - it was $.03 As a kid I used to knock on doors to see if the folks had any milk bottles; I would return them for the $.03 (That's when $.03 was worth something..) Also used to walk the train tracks with my grandmother to pick up unburned coal the trains didn't burn. That was before the war for the US. I was called Rags because my grandmother used cotton 5lb cotton bags for diapers (which were in short supply or unavailable) Rags
  12. Good point about the size... Your mom has a worthy contribution... Rags
  13. IDIOT SIGHTING I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said "May I have large bills, please." She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size." When I got up off the floor I explained it to her. IDIOT SIGHTING We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since. IDIOT SIGHTING My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. IDIOT SIGHTING I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham, Ala. IDIOT SIGHTING The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS IDIOT SIGHTING I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, Couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less. STAY ALERT! They walk among us......and they VOTE, and have babies . For all of us who are seniors... The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends. When babies poop in their diapers, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em. When old people poop in their diapers, the reaction Depends on who's in the will! My own experience contribution.. In a Starbucks, I ordered a double espresso and requested a ceramic cup instead of the paper cup she was about to use... She replied, we don't have them... I pointed to the dozen or so on top the brewer and she said , "Oh one of those".....
  14. Hehe... youthful self indulgence...